Grocery Shopping

I never imagined food would be a luxury.  Heck, who could imagine that toilet paper, paper towels, and soap would be a luxury?    Since March14, when I realized we had two rolls of toilet paper, finding food we need has been a challenge.  Because we are so rural, we don't have many options.  I will only go to our local grocery store, Brookshires.  It's always been my preferred place to shop but now even more so.

I made my list last night.  It's a family affair making a grocery list.  We all go to the kitchen and talk about what we want to eat for the next two weeks.  Then we take turns looking at what we have left and deciding what we need.  We add those things that we've been looking for that we've never found.  Right now it's turkey to slice for lunch meat and paper towels.  Meals are planned and the list is made.  Then we all look at each other, "What am I going to do about a mask?" Mike says he has a Jack Daniels bandanna and laughs.  Zach asked about those masks we had when we put in insolation.  Bingo!  We still have some.  I mean who knows if it will do anything but hopefully it's better then nothing.

So the list is ready and the mask is waiting.

Mike says maybe he should be the one to go.  I asked, "why, what difference will that make?" "Why should you be the one to go," he asks?  He wonders if we should both go.  No, they only want one per family and no kids.  So I think that today is Sunday, they haven't had a delivery since Thursday so this is a stupid day to go shopping.  I won't get a lot on my list and will have to go back.  I'll wait until Tuesday.  We can make it a few days without fruit.  We have food for tonight.  

I'm Struggling

Like thousands of people around the world, I am struggling.  On a good day, I take medicine for depression and on rough days add something for anxiety.  During this pandemic, my rough days are now good days and the others can be debilitating. 

I started this time addicted to sugar.  I was damaging my liver and pancreas with my sugar intake.   It's totally not the best way to deal with stress.  I decided this was the perfect time to quit. I mean grocery shopping is hard, and I have all the support I need here with my family to eat healthy choices.  I feel like the guy from the movie Airplane, 'this was the wrong week to give up sugar.'  

The truth is I am trying to find healthy ways to deal with my depression and anxiety.  I limit the amount of anxiety medicine I take because it can be addictive.  There is a line between sitting in a chair staring into space because I can't stop the obsessive thoughts of COVID 19 horrors, and being completely numb to the world.  I am normally such a positive person and totally the half-full person.  Mike is the worrier, and when this changes our world changes.  After 29 years of marriage, we support each other and aren't usually both crazy at the same time. Lol, it works for us. 

The news was on earlier, and I could feel my anxiety ramping up.  I couldn't sit here any longer.  So I did what I would normally do.  I went to the refrigerator to find something to graze on.  I realized that wasn't my healthy way to deal anymore.  I evaluated my medicine and realized it has been a couple days so I felt comfortable taking it.  Then, I went outside.  I need to walk. I need my legs to ache from something besides sitting.  Social distancing isn't an issue when you live on 30 acres. 

I went out and started on my walk. I picked up fallen branches, and I looked at work that needs to be done before it gets too hot.  I found my flowers had started blooming and pulled some weeds.  Mike came out and asked if I was ok, and why was I doing this. lol  Evidently this isn't normal for me, but I'm trying to be healthier in mind, body, and spirit. 

So as I sit here and write this, I feel successful.  I didn't eat crazy, I didn't go back to bed, I made it through the hard minutes, and I fell better.  I have started a new afghan I'm crocheting.  It brings me joy.  What brings you joy?

Waiting, just waiting

That what this pandemic feels like.  We are home and just waiting.  Waiting for the next meal. Waiting for something to come on tv.  Waiting for the rain to stop.  Waiting to leave the house. Just waiting.

I'm Still Your Child's Teacher

I keep seeing posts about parents homeschooling now.  That's not how it's supposed to be.  Schools are still supposed to provide instruction and lessons.  The instruction is just happening virtually now.  All parents should be doing is making sure students do their work and helping like they would with homework.  That's not homeschooling.  Homeschooling is where you provide the curriculum, instruction, and lessons. It's where you're in it alone.

As your child's teacher, I still want to be a part of their lives and education.  I want to make sure they are understanding the work I send out, and I will provide support to them if they don't. I am designing lessons with my team that our students should be able to do with our support and your encouragement.

On Monday our lessons are posted online by 8:00 am.  Every week I am on Google Meets waiting for students to show up that need help.  I'm really just waiting to see their faces and hoping I can do something for them.  I check my google classroom hourly for messages, questions, and work.  I grade and send everything back with a note of encouragement, I miss you, please try again, or I'm so proud of you.  By Thursday, I am sending emails to each student who hasn't completed their work.  I then send my weekly email to parents reminding them to have their students go into their classroom and check to make sure they have passing grades or massing assignments.  Then I start texting each parent that has a child with missing assignments.  I have to make sure they are able to access them and have internet.  I'm making sure they are getting lunches, have devices, or any other needs I can help with.

I have parents that I use google translate to communicate with, parents that regularly check in with me to make sure their child is doing what they need to, and parents that have never answered an email or text. They are worried, stressed, and overwhelmed and many are essential employees working on the front lines.  I give the support I can, the assurances that if they can't get to the hot spot in time I won't count it against their child.  That's it's ok if you can't afford internet I'll still find a way to teach your child.  I have had students just read me their work over the phone, text it to me, or take a picture of it.  I'll do whatever it takes to help your child and support you.  You gave them to me to be their teacher in August and my time isn't over.  We are in this together.  I think about you and your family and cry for you and for them with worry.  I saw so many incredible things from my students this year and I wasn't ready for it to end.  I'm still your child's teacher.

What Else Do You Do in a Pandemic?

Wow, what a year 2020 has been so far.  In January, my friend Sara died from ovarian cancer.  We shared a birthday and had been friends since high school.  I went to her funeral in West Texas.  On the way, my dad called me.  He'd had surgery that day and I didn't know.  Next came my 51st birthday.  I love my birthday!  It was perfect.  My desk was decorated and I had a banner and crown to wear, it doesn't get better.  Except it did, with the cake waiting for me when I got home.  What a great day!

The next day my sister called and our dad had died sometime that night.  She had just found him.  Well, hell.  We headed up to Missouri and said our farewells.  I got to meet family I'd never known and loved spending time with my brother and sister. 

Then came my niece's wedding!  What a great time and I loved spending time with my family I hadn't seen.  My aunt was nervous about traveling because we'd started hearing about this coronavirus.  I thought she was a little nuts and didn't think it was a risk.  She wasn't flying into DFW and the only people who had it were isolated on the air force base, what was there to worry about?

March!  Here comes spring break, my trip to Missouri to help my brother and sister clean out our dad's office, Zach's trip to Disney, and a week off work!  During the first week, this coronavirus was really making the news and it was spreading.  They closed Italy!  I mean that's like the beginning of a joke. Did you hear they closed Italy?  And if I was more clever I'd have a joke to go with that.

Humm, maybe I wouldn't fly to Missouri but drive instead.  The week before spring break came and Mike was irritated I'd still consider going on my trip.  He thinks my driving is horrible and well I do tend to get sleepy on long trips.  Zach was scheduled to leave on Thursday.  Wednesday I called the superintendent to see if they still planned on sending the kids on this trip.  They were making plans to make sure they had plenty of germx and washed their hands a lot but the trip was on for Thursday. 

Thursday afternoon, after Zach was on his way we started hearing we might not come back after spring break and needed to make sure all students had passwords in case we had to go to distance learning. And my kid was on a bus on his way to Disney!

Back to School without Chocolate

I went back today.  It's a national holiday and we had a teacher work day.  I have no one to blame buy myself!  I voted for that calendar! lol  I keep reminding myself how much earlier we get out for summer.  I got rid of all of the junk out of my desk when I left for Christmas break.  I so wanted to go buy some chocolate today!  I did fine at home but almost went a little nuts at work without sugar.  I then thought I'd stop and get some chocolate on my way home then hide it. lol Ok what part of any of that is a good idea?  So I made it, I didn't stop for chocolate.  I got home and had a square of 70% dark chocolate that I have in my desk.  Sigh!  I should drink!

New Year, New Life

So much has happened since my last blog post!  Where do I start?  In July 2013 I decided to go back to college.  It was my reoccurring dream that I had classes and couldn't find them. I didn't know my locker combination, had papers due and all kinds of other school trauma!  It has been my regret that I didn't finish school.  So I went back.  With 19 hours or CU's I started on my journey to be a teacher.  In January 2015 I began student teaching.  Wow, that experience is for another blog! lol  The best of it was teaching second grade with a sweet friend.  I learned so much.  I was offered a job in August of 2014 to teach English Language Arts and Reading in 6th grade.  I love, love, love my job!  It's the best thing, besides my family, I've ever done!

I will spend time talking about my kids, job and life but I really want to talk about my journey with weight loss.  In June 2014 I had weight loss surgery.  I received the gastric sleeve.  Since then I've lost 87 pounds.  I have a total weight loss of 112 pounds.  I still feel like I have a way to go but the reality is I will be happy with another 20 pounds but would like to lose 53 more.  

I go in January to see about a tummy tuck and having my arms done.  So this blog is going to be my journey with changing my body.  I will share my struggle and my joy!  I totally love the woman I am and want to grow every day into a stronger, better, more loving, laughing giving woman.

Youth Dinner

We had a family at our church loose everything in a fire.  Thankfully no one was hurt, but it was still devastating.  As we spoke about Lenten sacrifice, my high school class said they wanted to help this family.  So we did a fundraiser dinner for them Saturday night.

I had 15 teen show up to cook and set up.  I was blown away!  We fed about 30 and raised $446 for the family.  I hope the family was as blessed as were we by doing it.

Everyone loved the food!  And Roberta did the decorations, they were so cute!  And I got to bring the flowers home.  Zach couldn't believe they were real. lol  He said, where'd she pick those!

Lent and Time Change

I really think loosing an hour of sleep and giving up facebook is just too much.

Day 2

I made it another day without Facebook.  I got more done today.  I subbed in Physics and worked on my Humanities presentation.  I'm 1/3 of the way finished!  Tomorrow I have to summarize At Seventeen and describe four musical elements it uses.   And with my music disability that will not be easy!

I painted my nails with just an orange color on the tips.  I tried to put glitter on the orange but it's just ok.  I need to be better at that!  Or just stop trying. lol

Tonight after dinner, the boys wanted ice cream sandwiches.  So Zach went to get them and said there were 3 extra missing.  I guess Avery ate them this morning before school.  So we got out the foodsaver 2000 again and Mike will lock the fridge in the morning when he leaves for work.  Avery got really mad and stormed off to the bathroom when we got the lock out. lol  He was not happy!  He's so funny.  He has a special olympic meet tomorrow.  I'm going to have to miss it because I have an appointment.  I'll make the next one!

I want to have this Humanities report finished this weekend so I can be done with that class and move on to classroom management!  I got all the tax info together tonight for the tax lady.  Mike can drop that off tomorrow.  It's amazing what I can get done now. lol  I even folded clothes!  amazing  

Day 1 without Facebook

It didn't take long for me to become bored today. I will admit I didn't do any extra housework or laundry with my extra time.  I watched TV, four episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  I did get some of my Humanities project done too.

I wasn't home all day, I had to pick up the basketball trophies and run to Merle Norman for foundation.  Then onto the PIC meeting.  I was home long enough to listen to Z complain and argue about how miserable his day was.  I keep trying to explain to him that he gets to decide how much people bother him.  That he just needs to find his joy and ignore them.  It's not working, maybe 9 is too young to understand that concept.  I am sure his dad hasn't figured that out yet either. lol

Mass was an hour early tonight, for Ash Wednesday.  It was pretty crowded, like a Sunday.  I decided not to do youth group tonight because of the Spanish Mass being at 7.  At the end of our Mass one of the ladies got up and gave an update about Father Nano.  I can't stop crying.  He found out today that he has stage 4 colon cancer.  I just can't believe it.  He is just one of the sweetest people I have ever known.

He is full of so much joy and love.  His joy is contagious.  I am heartbroken he has to go through this.  He has done so much for our parish and youth group.  He goes so much to the children, our faith formation and  youth group have grown so much because of him.  He hears my confession and has touched my heart so much.  He has helped me to grow as a mom, a wife, a woman, and a Catholic.  He is just so funny.  I am praying for healing for him.  I want to see him again around the church, to just see his smile and hear his laugh.

So without Facebook I don't know what to do with all these thoughts.  I feel kind of alone, since I don't have anyone to chat with now.  I guess it's an early bedtime for me.

Pencil Box

One of my favorite things to do with my youth group or new set of faith formation students is to give them a box of pencils.  I usually hand a new unopened box of pencils to a student and then ask them to get me a marker out of it.  They typically look at me like I'm crazy, a look I know well, or tell me they can't.  I become pretty insistent that I need a marker and they must get me one out of that box.  And when they tell me they can't I keep asking them why not.

This goes on for a couple minutes, because the crazy look can last a while and I do want them to talk to me.  We then come to the conclusion that they will never be able to get a marker out of a box of pencils because no one put markers into a box of pencils.  So I ask them what are they putting into their hears, brains and souls.  Ahhh yes because if you don't put it in, you can never take it out.

I usually ask them to imagine a gumball machine and wanting m&m's.  And no matter how long they stand there and how many quarters they throw into that thing they will never get m&m's out of a gumball machine.  Unless someone comes and fills it with, you guessed it, m&m's.

We are like that.  We are told to hide the Word in our hearts.  And we do this because that is the only way it will be there when we need it.  When I am scared of the dark I wouldn't be able to fall back on, "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."  (2 Tim 1:7) if I hadn't hidden it in my heart.

This is also a good opportunity to talk about the quality of the things we put in our minds, hearts, and souls.  And how important it is to have that good stuff to call on when we need it.

Saw 'Last Vegas" Today

It was pretty funny but made me really reflective. I loved Morgan Freeman's character and really related to his son in the movie.  As a parent, we would like to take our children and put them in a bubble to keep them safe.  And as kids we so resent that and just fight to be able to be independent.  Of course most of us grow up to be parents and want to keep our kids in bubbles then we decide we need to keep our parents there as well as they age. All this is out of fear, we fear loosing them.

With my cousin Sarah's death two weeks ago I feel almost paralyzed with fear. I want to lock my family in a bubble and keep them safe.  I am horrified that she died.  I am heartbroken for my aunt and cousins.  But I am also so very afraid because I know too well how short life can be.  But like in the movie today, that's not living.

So I find a way to let my kids out of the house, to let them go and do the things they want.  With only the hope that they will come home.  The hope that I will be able to watch them grow up and worry about me and want to put me in that bubble.

My Review

Originally submitted at Lumber Liquidators

Not worth the money!

By mom2anz from Alba, TX on 4/20/2013

 

2out of 5

Pros: It's pretty

Cons: Poor quality, hard to get together, Lots Of Faulty Boards

Was this a gift?: No

This is the 4th laminate floor we have installed. The quality is lacking. I am very disappointed. We bought 1,100 sqft and many of the board have damaged tongues and groves. There is also lots of debris that must be picked out of the groves in order for it to go together. We were given 4 boxes of damaged boards and told to use them for the ends. They really are so damaged they can't be used at all. I have tried to get them replaced but keep getting the run around. I was told it would cost me $15 to have move floor shipped to the store.

(legalese)

I Cried Today

At Avery’s ARD meeting.  I tried really hard not to, I even left to compose myself.  But I couldn’t stop it.  My heart hurt. 

We were talking about Avery working and whether or not he was competitively employable.  We were talking about him not being able to do his dream job at Brookshire’s right now.  And I have to ask myself if I have to come to terms with a different future than we’d hoped for him. 

I know there is still time and so much can happen.  I also know that it wasn’t long ago that we worried if he was going to live.  So I know all that and I hold on to it but yet I still cry. 

If you don’t have a child with a disability, you might think  you can understand.  You might think, it’s ok as long as he is happy.  But close your eyes for a second.  Ok close them after you read this.  But imagine your child and all the hopes and dreams you had for them when they were born.  Did any of them involve them sitting in a room folding paper when they grew up?  That the most people wanted to offer was a sheltered workshop? 

It hurts my heart to think of it.  But then I think of him, I think of Avery.  And I know, I know I want him to be happy.  I don’t want him stressed out and unhappy.  So I know that however that future unfolds, I will find joy in that.  I find joy in Avery and I will not cry for what he can’t have. 

But for some reason I just can’t stop crying right now.  I want to yell out to the world that it’s just so not fair to him and to me.  And yet I know how lucky and blessed we are and how blessed he is.  And I don’t want to know how much worse it could be. 

One reason I feel so bad crying in the ARD meeting, the main reason, is that I don’t want Avery to feel bad.  I don’t want him to think I’m crying because of him.  I don’t want him to ever think he is a disappointment or to feel bad.  I want him to know that I want the world for him and know that I know how amazing he is. 

So I dry my tears and will find a way to make my peace with whatever the future holds.  As we all do, with any child we have. 

Do you Pin?

I have spent many hours on pinterest finding all kinds of treasures.  All kinds of things I know I will make!  I have made exactly three.  One of them I pinned after I made it.  It was a Rum cake with chocolate chips.  The best cake ever!

The second thing I made was a breakfast casserole in a crock pot.  It was better than ok, and I’d make it again.  I think I put too many hash browns in it but that was my fault.  

The final thing I made was liquid soap.  The one where you shred three bars of Ivory soap and add water and melt.  She actually said to add H2O, so I went with distilled water.  I figured it would take the cost up a little more but we have a lot of salt in our water and I didn’t want to mess anything up, so I went ahead and spent the $1.79 for 2 gallons of distilled water.

This took me 2 days and 2 large pots.  You have to add like 12 cups of water then heat it all till the soap is dissolved, then let it sit over night to thicken up.  I will admit after I melted it all I didn’t think there was a chance in Hell that I would have anything but sudsy water the next day.  I was very surprised when I saw my soap and it was very thick.  I did have to divide it in half since I didn’t have a caldron to cook it in.  so I spent another evening adding water and melting my soap. 

The next morning it was supposed to be ready to go!  I had 2 large pots of phlegm on my stove the next day.   It smelled like soap, but wouldn’t bubble.  It was too watered down, but it wasn’t runny, it was like snot.  It was so gross.  I tried to use it but it grossed me out.  You couldn’t pour it.  I tried to use a funnel to pour it into a jug and it wouldn’t separate, it just oozed out.  So my husband took it out and filled a whole the dogs dug. 

I am happy to say the dogs have stopped digging in that spot!  The soap is still there though. 

Why did you eat that?

Saturday while Z and I were at a birthday party, Avery and Mike were cleaning out the truck.  Mike found Z’s lunchbox from Wednesday that he didn’t eat.  Avery got in trouble for eating his lunch and buying lunch that day, Zachery just didn’t eat. 

Mike told Avery to go throw it away and then Avery finishes cleaning out the truck.  He did a great job!  When we got home from the birthday party Mike asked Zach about his lunch and looks in the trash and there isn’t any sandwich there!  The turkey and mayo sandwich which had been in the heat in my truck for three days had been eaten, by Avery! 

He was supposed to go to the Joy Ministry Respite but I was afraid to send him, knowing he was going to be sick.  Mike told me to call the Dr and this just seemed so familiar, I know I’ve called because he’s eaten questionable food before.   That’s when I realized it was when he ate chicken strips that had sat in his lunch box at school for 4 days.

That made me feel sooooo much better!  So we sent him off to his party.  He had a great time and felt fine!  He has an iron stomach.

Parent Conference

I signed up to go to a Parent Conference next month.  As I was looking at the different topics, I picked the one for GT kids.  I have spent so many, many years going to conferences on special needs, it’s funny to go for something else. 

It’s like as parents we get grouped as our kids.  If I have a child with special needs, then I must be different or not a whole parent.  It’s like I couldn’t possibly understand what regular kids go though.  I actually had someone tell me that once.  I didn’t know because my child had Down syndrome.  So no I get to go and sit in with that other group.  Does it change who I am?  Or just how I am perceived?

And maybe it’s all in my head.  Maybe when I say oh that reminds me of Avery, people don’t look at me like, oh it couldn’t my child isn’t disabled.  Because my kids are so much more than ID or GT.  They are smart, funny, quirky, kind, loving, dingy, and sometimes rude.  They are these complex, unique individuals that make my heart beat. 

So after all the hours and hours of parenting classes I sat through when Avery was little I am excited to sit through one more.  I know it sounds silly but I get to just be a regular mom now. 

My perspective is so different now.  I used to spend so much time trying to learn how to be the best mom, how to help my child the most.  Now I have confidence as a mom and am excited to just learn something different.  The steaks don’t seem as high this time.  I’m not terrified, like I was when Avery was little.  I was so afraid I would do something wrong and it would be my fault he didn’t develop like he was supposed to.  Now I know, I will do things wrong but somehow we will all get through it.  And with the Grace of God and a lot of love they will be ok.

Great Blog Posts

I have all these great things to write when I am not near my computer.  I have nothing when I am here.  Well, that isn’t exactly true, I have things I shouldn’t say. 

The New Razor

Avery got a new electric razor for his birthday.  He had been wanting one like his dad’s.  So a couple days ago I noticed that his arms were hairless! 

Yep he shaved them.  Why?  That is what I asked him. Evidently, a boy at lunch told him it was cool.  Yes we laughed, a lot. lol