Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I Wonder, Do People Just Not Know What to Say?

Over the past few months I have spent time on Facebook. It started as a way to chat with some friends I made on line. And others I didn't get to see often. Then I started finding old school friends and even family I don't get to talk to very much.

It has been a lot of fun. But as you start adding people you haven't seen in 20 years, it starts to get a little odd. I admit I'm fascinated by people's lives. And you get to peak at their pictures and see what their life is like now. I love it when they upload pictures of before! Like when I knew them because it can be hard to connect the picture you are looking at now with the person you used to know.

So like I said it's a little odd to say the least. And yes I'm a little crazy, ok I admit it. I'm crazy and paranoid. I always try to be nice and make a comment about their family and how lovely they are. I never admit to feeling shocked. And then here I sit, waiting. Waiting for someone to acknowledge my family. I'd like to know they even cared enough to look at any of my pictures at the least.

I wonder if I should change my status to say, Amy is Yes my son has down syndrome and it's ok to talk about it. So I wonder do they not say anything because they don't know what to say? Do they not say anything because they didn't care enough to even look? Do they not say anything because they are horrified I have such a child?

And the strange part is, it's even family. I don't get it. You friend me I look at your pictures and tell you how happy I am to see you and how cute the kids are. Then nothing. What's up with that? I will admit it's not everyone. My brother Todd and sister in law Debbie always have nice things to say. And my friends, you know the on line ones, the ones everyone says but do you really know them, they always have nice things to say. They share in my joys of being Avery's mom. And I love them for that. And there was one other. A girl who had it all in school and is still beautiful. She said my kids were cute but wanted to see a picture of me. So she looked, right? She had something nice to say.

So why do I worry about it? Hell I don't know. Because we have already discussed that that's what I do. I sit around and worry about inconsequential things. But it does hurt. Especially when I already feel sensitive. I am so very proud of my son. Avery amazes me with his sense of self, his generosity of spirit, his desire to make people laugh and yes he is a handsome young man. And he deserves for people to acknowledge him and to know that his is an amazing life full of laughter and joy.

So maybe my new status will be, Amy is deleting you if you don't say something nice about my sons.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I'm Lonely

I get so ready for the kids to go to bed for some quiet time. Now I have it. I'm having it right now. But the other side of that coin is now I'm lonely. Mike is at work and the kids are asleep and here I sit making candles and playing on the computer. I miss having a girlfriend to run around with.

I know I could call Lisa and chat with her but it's late. And I could call Liz and chat with her but it's late and I don't want to wake the kids. Cause that wouldn't be a solution! lol I guess I just miss interaction with people. The only time I do is while I'm working out 5 days a week. Ok people other than my husband and kids.

I totally love my life, but I wonder sometimes what else? Or what next. Maybe it's being without a job. Maybe it's because we're done having kids. That was something we were working on for so long, now what. It seems everything I did was some how related to having another baby or taking care of the one I did have. Working or not working. Going back to school. What I ate or drank or didn't drink.

So now I'm 40, unemployed and Zachery will start school in August. So now what? I get to do whatever in the world I want to. But the key to that is what? Part of me just wants to stay home forever. To plant and get some animals and to work here. Part of me would like to be a sonogram technician. But that is going back to school, which I would like but not sure if I'm up to that. I can go back and do what I've always done but for how long? I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing accounting. I like creating. I love my candle business and would like to grow that. I would like to add bath product and add a store. I love bath junkie and would need about $200,000 for a franchise. So how is that possible?

I want to travel, to take my boys and Mike to Scotland. To see all the different parts of the U.S. How can I do that and work? lol So maybe it will rain money and we can do all that.

So all this was about being lonely tonight right? See that's what happens when I have too much time alone to think. I know a few things. I am blessed. I am blessed to have my boys. I am blessed to have my husband who loves me and takes care of us. I am blessed that I get to decide what I want to do.

But tomorrow I get to have fun. I'm going to the Zoo with Zachery. We're meeting our friends Becca and Aiden. I haven't taken Zachery to the Zoo since he was just a couple of weeks old. When Mike and I took him on a field trip with Avery and his class. Tomorrow will be fun. I'm excited to be with a friend and just get out!

Monday, February 9, 2009

My 40th Birthday

I know a lot of people are amazed that I'm excited to be 40. I guess I get that, like I have many things in my life, from my mom. I remember her turning 40, she was so happy. I thought she was crazy! 40 is so freaking old how could she be excited? She told me that 40 is like the first adult age. That when you are in your 20's then you are really still a kid. And in your 30's your not really a kid but your not really grown up yet. But when you are 40 you are an adult. So for me 40 is a milestone much like 18 was for me.

The scariest thing for me about turning 40 again goes back to my mom. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 6 months after her 40th birthday. She only lived to be 43. So truthfully the next 3 years are going to be hard. I can't imagine myself older than my mother. What reference do I have? I saw a picture the other day of my Aunt June holding her first grandbaby, Lila. I weeped. Aunt June looks so much like my mom, that when I look at her I see what my mom could have looked like if she lived another 17 years. I looked at that pictured and cried that I never saw my mom hold my baby. Selfish of me I know, but I don't know how for my mind not to go there. Yes, yes, yes, I know, remember all the good times, be thankful for what I had. And I am. But sometimes I want to rage at my loss, at my kids loss, I want to close my eyes and feel her next to me and when I can't I want to cry. I still remember the birthday card my Aunt June sent my mom for her 40th birthday. It said, "just remember no matter how old you get, I'll always be younger." I think of that and wonder what it is like to be the younger sister who is older than her sister ever got to be.

So this was about my birthday right? lol I had a great birthday. The boys got me a princess cake. Zachery said he thought I needed a Car's cake. I said I'd rather a princess cake. lol They were so excited to go to Walmart and get me presents. Avery got me a 2008 Holiday Barbie and Zachery got me an angel necklace. They were so good. They kept their secrets for 4 days! That is huge. lol Here's a picture of my cake.

Zachery wanted his picture taken with my cake. He is such a ham.

I just have to add that Zachery makes me wear the tiara all the time. lol He even puts it on me in my sleep. I have woken up in the morning wearing my tiara and holding my scepter or magic wand as he calls it. lol He wanted me to wear it to the park the other day and I had to tell him the other mommies would be so jealous that I had one and they didn't.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

We Have Stairs!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike put in the upper stinger and added the treads. He will close in the opening on the left and put in a door so I can use that space for my canning and veggies.

Zachery ran out to tell me we had stairs! He couldn't wait to show me all the treasures he found. lol We have a ton of his toys up in the attic.

I know this is blurry but this is what will be the boys bedroom. When you get to the top of the steps it's to the left. The window looks out to the front of the land.

This is to the right of the top of the steps. Will be a hallway, with a closet for the a/c unit and then our bedroom will be the whole area past the a/c. We will take out the garage door tracts. You can't see what will be our closet, it's the area next to the a/c. We will also put in a bathroom.

Mike still has to move the duct work. He will run it out the other side of the a/c unit and add ducts for the upstairs. It's a good thing I married such a handy guy!

The area he is standing will be where the ducts will go for what is the bedroom now and will be in the closet of what will be the boys bedroom. You can see the garage, which we will leave. And what will be our closet behind him. That's above the bathroom and laundry room.

There is still a lot to be done. Hopefully Mike will be sleeping upstairs by the time school is out for summer. Zachery was very disappointed he couldn't bring his train sets down he found. I told him he had to put stuff up to get stuff down. So he brought up 4 blocks and 2 books. lol I said that didn't cut it! He has enough train sets down already.

We will paint off lines of walls and then measure everything and draw it out. I think we will start on that part tomorrow. I'm not going to paint the stairs and stain the treads until we are finished.