Monday, February 9, 2009

My 40th Birthday

I know a lot of people are amazed that I'm excited to be 40. I guess I get that, like I have many things in my life, from my mom. I remember her turning 40, she was so happy. I thought she was crazy! 40 is so freaking old how could she be excited? She told me that 40 is like the first adult age. That when you are in your 20's then you are really still a kid. And in your 30's your not really a kid but your not really grown up yet. But when you are 40 you are an adult. So for me 40 is a milestone much like 18 was for me.

The scariest thing for me about turning 40 again goes back to my mom. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 6 months after her 40th birthday. She only lived to be 43. So truthfully the next 3 years are going to be hard. I can't imagine myself older than my mother. What reference do I have? I saw a picture the other day of my Aunt June holding her first grandbaby, Lila. I weeped. Aunt June looks so much like my mom, that when I look at her I see what my mom could have looked like if she lived another 17 years. I looked at that pictured and cried that I never saw my mom hold my baby. Selfish of me I know, but I don't know how for my mind not to go there. Yes, yes, yes, I know, remember all the good times, be thankful for what I had. And I am. But sometimes I want to rage at my loss, at my kids loss, I want to close my eyes and feel her next to me and when I can't I want to cry. I still remember the birthday card my Aunt June sent my mom for her 40th birthday. It said, "just remember no matter how old you get, I'll always be younger." I think of that and wonder what it is like to be the younger sister who is older than her sister ever got to be.

So this was about my birthday right? lol I had a great birthday. The boys got me a princess cake. Zachery said he thought I needed a Car's cake. I said I'd rather a princess cake. lol They were so excited to go to Walmart and get me presents. Avery got me a 2008 Holiday Barbie and Zachery got me an angel necklace. They were so good. They kept their secrets for 4 days! That is huge. lol Here's a picture of my cake.

Zachery wanted his picture taken with my cake. He is such a ham.

I just have to add that Zachery makes me wear the tiara all the time. lol He even puts it on me in my sleep. I have woken up in the morning wearing my tiara and holding my scepter or magic wand as he calls it. lol He wanted me to wear it to the park the other day and I had to tell him the other mommies would be so jealous that I had one and they didn't.

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