If you would have asked me this a few months ago, I would have had a completely different memory. I would have said oh yes, it was a lot of fun. I had lots of friends and really enjoyed it. Ok so I've been on facebook right? Well, since I have friended lots of people from high school I have started to remember the reality of it!
I honestly can't remember a more paranoid time in my life. Did everyone spend time wondering if anyone liked them? And if they looked ok? Did everyone compare everything about themselves to the rest of the class? Like I totally can't remember many teachers but I do remember most of my clothes. I mean getting ready for school was seriously painful. Every button perfectly put into place to look casually thrown on.
And for those of you who don't realize, yes I was a valley girl. Pink and green, collars up, OMG!, totally gag me with a spoon. Fur sure, fur real, totally. Do you not remember Nicholas Cage's chest hair shaved like an eagle? I still flip my hair. I know this because I just did it and it gave me a flash back.
There are huge parts of me that wonder what people really thought of me. But there are other parts that are just amazed that anyone even remembers me. Ok this is my blog right, so I have to admit one of the first high school people I friended was Jim Brown. I have tons of memories of conversations with him. Many outside his house. Well guess what? He deleted me and told a friend he really didn't even know who I was. Well, seriously ouch! So I got a little touchy for a while. Wondering if anyone even knew who I was, hell do I even know who I am?
I have found that yes people did know me. Wooo, what a relief. I mean I spend 6 years with some of these people, someone should know me!
I have learned that wow it's really easy to fall back into those old feelings of inadequacy again. I mean I have spent years saying if I had it to do all over again I'd be so much fun and just wouldn't worry about what people thought. Cause that's pretty much my life now. I have great friends but if you don't want to be my friend that's fine with me. I don't worry about fitting in or being invited to the right party. Hell I am the party. lol
I can honestly say I'm so very glad I don't have it to do over again. I do still say totally, like all the time! One thing I want to tell that Amy is that people who didn't like me or weren't my friend were the ones missing out. I'm a fun girl, some days funner that others. But more than that I care about people. And I wish I knew what I did have to offer and wouldn't have worried as much. I would tell me to just talk to people and let people know me. I would tell her to relax. Take a chill pill. Ok not really a pill cause I'm pretty sure I'd still be drug free. But I'd whisper in my ear that it really does all work out.
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Amy,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I LOVE your comment, "Hell, I AM the Party!" Just fabulous!
But, seriously, I am sure that most people will admit to being just like you described that you felt, in high school. I swear to you, there were MANY days where I flat out REFUSED to go to school, because my hair did not "do chose groundings over going to school feeling that I didn't look like I should. So funny now, considering that I was the girl who had the strangest hair in school anyway, certainly no one would have even noticed, what to me, was just so monumental. :0)
But don't take what Jim said personally. First of all, I have HUGE holes in my memory these day (if you don't, you are soooo blessed, but I am sure that mine are self induced.) and I am horrified when people, that I SHOULD know, will tell me these stories about things we did and I have nooooo recollection, at all. Some of them have even supplied PICTURES. I swear, my first thought is that someone is playing a joke on me and they photo-shopped me into the pic.
And for the most part, I actually would prefer that people forget a few things about ME...because what I think counts the most is who I am TODAY and I am different than I was then. And although I have a personal policy never to want to go back and change things, because I believe that every choice you make and every experience you have, contributes to who you are today, I just don't want everybody necessarily thinking about all those things when they talk to me, now.
So, if he didn't want to stay your FB friend TODAY, then Oh well. He is missing out. I personally think you are pretty cool and I am glad you are my friend.
Have a good day!
Kiva