Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sometimes It's Just So Hard

I think being a mom is probably the hardest and most natural thing I have ever done. There are many other things that I have failed considerably at, being a daughter, a wife. But being a mom there is no room for failure. That's part of where all the pressure comes from. Failure means your kids don't live successful lives because of something you did. Wow, now that's pressure.

Being the mom of a child with special needs is both harder and yet easier. People frequently say, "I don't know how you do it," or "I could never do it." First what makes that ok for you to say? Like my life is such a horror that you can't imagine living it. Do you seriously think that is a complement?

So I don't have a lot of Avery posts and you have probably wondered why. Partly I guess it's because talking about his abilities and disability is the deepest part of me. It's that raw part of me where I still feel responsible, as irrational as that is. And part of me feels judged, like I some how caused that to happen. And mostly because he is my son and I can't imagine one part of him without the other. And by talking about it I am opening myself and leaving him vulnerable. Like I am somehow allowing judgment to befall him. So I have not written about it.

But seriously how do I not? I mean I have Avery stories. lol And how do I not share those and share him? So today I share our latest problems.

Avery steals.

Wow were you expecting that? How did that happen you wonder? Well it started in the old school. He was in regular classes and no one thought to send his supplies, that I provided, with him. So he would take the other kids. I got it, he wanted to be like the other kids. He wanted what they have. So he would take their notebook and say it was his. We talked to him about it. Talked to him about things that were his and not his. Made sure he had what he needed.

So it hasn't been a lot but little things. It started with his cousin's PSP. We were staying in a hotel for my grandfather's funeral. We were leaving the next day. I'd gone with my Aunt Liz to look at my grandparents house one last time. When I got back to the hotel Avery showed me what he had done. I was so upset. Mike was, well Mike was freaked. So we took it back. I told him the whole way about how when you take things that doesn't belong to you it's called stealing and you could go to jail.

Then it was a pocket full of balls from the Christian book store. Yep back we went. At the time I thought it was only one ball. Imagine my surprise when they kept coming out of his pocket. Then it was a pair of reading glasses. Which I really think were a mistake. He was looking at them and Zachery started to run and Avery helped me corner him. I really think those he just stuck in his pocket.

So the talks went on and we worried. Were we doing enough? What if this continued? Since then there as been a jacket and a hat from school. I'm not too sure about the hat he swears someone gave it to him. And he always shows us what he did. So far all of this has been over the course of 3 years. Not a lot of stuff, right? But still, it doesn't matter how little we don't take things that don't belong to us.

So the other day he came home with a gameboy from school. He told me he paid $3 for it. Well if he did, that's still wrong. So we went trough the whole is he lying or did he. Then on Thursday he comes home from school and shows me his drink he bought. I thought it was a little odd but did remember him having a little change. Which I really think might have come from Zachery's $2 he had but he should have put it up and not played with it. Then Avery shows me his chips he bought. Ok now I know he couldn't have had that much money! Where did it come from.

Oh he says, he got it out of his dad's wallet! OMG I thought Mike was going to have an appoxy. I mean seriously, he was not happy. Avery says he took 20, 10, and 5. Well I can promise you there is no way Mike had that much money in his wallet. So he's grounded. You can't take money out of Dad's wallet or Mom's purse! But part of me wonders would this happen if he had his own money. I mean he is almost 16 and all the kid wants to do is buy some snacks out of the vending machine. So maybe I should give him an allowance. But I don't want to reward him for stealing.

So for now he is grounded. He is very sorry and was even sorrier when his dad ate his chips he bought. But we are at a loss. We really think it's just a developmental milestone that he's hitting late. He has poor impulse control. He sees something and wants it. But we don't want him to go to jail! Or grow up and be a thief. But we do have to remember that it is normal. Kids steal, it happens. That's the hardest thing about being the oldest child. Mom and dad don't know what's normal. When little brother comes along we know what you did and when he does it, it's not the surprise! So for now Avery doesn't get to take a backpack to school. Frankly I'm too tired to search him every morning. Oh I didn't tell you about the straw did I? The one that broke the camels back. lol

Friday Mike was looking for a chain he needed to use to work on my car. He yelled at Zachery for touching his stuff. Which Zachery had been playing with it the day before. But Zachery kept saying he didn't know where it was. Avery got home from school and Mike looked in his backpack to make sure he didn't come home with anything. And guess what he found? The three foot chain he was looking for! lol I just wonder what the teachers thought if they saw it.

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