Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Love Dare

I have finally started The Love Dare. I had planned on starting for Lent but it didn't quite happen. I'm on day four. So far I feel like I have already grown. Part of what has amazed me is how much of this I can apply to my children.

Day one, love is patient. Ok not easy for me. I am not a patient person. I will say I am more patient today than I was a week ago. One thing that I underlined and found inspiring was this quote; "Patients is where love meets wisdom." The books talks about love being built on two pillars; patience and kindness and that everything else is an extension of these two things.

It talks about anger being the opposite of patients. Wow, not that's a big one right. I'm not angry, right? So I think, and I pray, am I? Am I angry? I'm not patient and if one isn't patient than aren't you the opposite of patient? And if anger is the opposite of patients than yikes am I angry? Then I read, "Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment and grief." Ouch, I mean serious ouch! So huh, I mean I have to read that a few times. Ok sever times because I'm letting that in. I'm absorbing it and becoming aware. Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment and grief. That defines much of my life. How sad is that? How sad is it that I think that?

Ok so I ask myself what are the desires of my life. That's easy; my family. The desire of my life has always been to have a husband and children. To have a home and family. There is a lot of family missing in my life. I have always had dreams of days, events, dinners, just every day things with lots of family. That is just not meant to be. Mike and I have a good marriage. I mean it's been almost 18 years and there have been times that have been hard but I have always known we are in this together and he is my rock. That is why I am doing this. Why this book, why now. Because things are good, really good.

Kids, oh did I want kids. My dream was to have 3 boys and then a girl. Now Mike made it clear from day one he wanted two and they should be boys. lol Girls just scare him. I guess I should say the thought of daughters scares him. So I thought about this desire of my heart and know that it is mixed with both disappointment and grief. As much joy as I feel for Avery, there is still pain. And is that pain anger? Yes it is. Not anger at him but anger at what happened to him. So I prayed. I mean seriously what else is there to do. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to feel pain about my child. I do not want that pain to effect all the other parts of my life, so I pray. I asked God to give me peace. I gave up the anger to Him. I lay it at his feet, I don't want it. I only want what is of Him. He did not give me anger, he gave me patients. I chose the anger.

So what a wonderful few days it has been. Not to be angry, but to be patient. Avery is the one who needs the most patience but he is the one I show the least with. There really can be a gap from when I ask him something to when he answers it. And me trying to hurry that only makes it longer.

I love my family, my boys. And I want to be the best mom the best wife, the one God created for them. Being a wife and a mom is the best thing I have ever done. I am so very blessed that I get to be Mike's wife and Avery and Zachery's mom. So I put away all that I have lost the babies gone too quickly, the family too far, the people who are missing. And I am working on my pillars so that all of my love can shine through.

There is a part of me that doesn't want to post this. I fear that it looks like, I didn't like Avery or I was mad at him or any of those negative things. But I know that you that know me, know how much I champion him. I really can't imagine our life any differently. Only sweeter.

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