If I could

I would put my son in a bubble and keep him safe.  I told the Rheumatology fellow that before we left the hospital on Friday.  He looked surprised, he doesn’t have kids.

Avery goes back to school tomorrow.  He is doing so much better, his pain is minimal and he’s moving great.  He doesn’t want to go back to school, he’s scared but he can’t tell me what he’s afraid of.  I know he had a really rough time last week, he was in a lot of pain.  A lot more pain that I knew. He was getting sick quickly from his first set of pulses. 

That isn’t the case this week.  He is upset about his hands.  They are pealing so bad and he said he is embarrassed.  We told him how much his friends miss him and how much he loved school.  I told him he could have his teacher call me if he was in pain, that he won’t have to stay there if he hurt. 

But honestly there is a part of me that just wants him to stay home.  I am ok with taking care of him for the rest of his life.  Except I know know he never wanted that.  This child has wanted to move out for over a  year, until recently.  Now he said he doesn’t want to leave. 

My sweet boy is afraid and it breaks my heart.  But I know that the sooner he goes back the easier it is going to be to overcome that fear.  He has been fearless his whole life.  My child could climb onto the counter before he could walk.  He has been afraid of nothing his whole life.  Now he afraid to come home from the hospital and afraid to go back to school.  Maybe he is mostly afraid he won’t be able to, that he will fail.  That is what I would be afraid of, that he won’t get his life back.  So I have to help him get it.